In the process of becoming a black belt in taekwondo, I am reflecting on what that process means.Here is part two of my rough-ish draft of the essay I need to write as part of my qualifications to qualify for my black belt with the World Taekwondo Federation (yes, the other WTF) What are musings about taekwondo doing on a yoga blog? Read on, maybe you’ll find out…

The second tenet: Integrity

The simple definition of Integrity that I share with my students is “doing the right thing even when no one is there to see it.” That is a good start for young people to understand, but I would like to think of it beyond being honest and law-abiding, whether or not there are witnesses. When what you believe about yourself, and what others believe about you, and what you say you will do all overlap, that is integrity- the image matches the reality. You are a whole, integral, integrated person, without the cognitive dissonance that comes from saying one thing and doing another, or feeling like a fraud.

Public image and whats inside line up.

What others see and who you really are don’t line up.

Doing what is right, even if there are no witnesses. At first this seems like it is part of  being a role model; as a teacher, I should show integrity.  However,  there is a lot to say about the sanity of being who I say I am. My outer self should match my inner self. There’s that word “should” again.

I have struggled, as many do,  with body dysmorphia and impostor syndrome. From my teen years onward, I have had a poor understanding of what my body really looks like, and what my body can accomplish.Witness even the disconnect between “me” and “my body.” Why is there a separation?

However, week after week of coming to the dojang, practicing in front of a mirror, seeing how strong I can be has built up my sense of self. I can feel like more of a whole person physically and emotionally. I can be more accepting of how I look, and how it is only a small part of my identity. I’m not perfect- there is still a lot of programming of how a woman is supposed to look and act, but on the whole, I am more whole. If you know what I mean.

Impostor syndrome is the feeling as though I am unqualified for the life I am living, and will be caught eventually. This  has also been eased the more I practice Taekwondo.  Without false humility on the one hand or bragging on the other, simply being who I am. At each class I attend, I affirm my growing strength. At each quarterly test I see where I fall short and need to put in more effort.  Without posing or pretending, I can see how much stronger I am getting, again, on and off the mat.

.I still have occasional doubts about myself, moments of cognitive dissonance where I look in the mirror and see a big old faker. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I continue to work toward becoming a person that other people can count on. This also has spread into my personal and professional life.

I have become better at not over-committing my time, since part of integrity is keeping my promises, even the promises I make to myself. In the past, I would join committees, stay late at work, stretch myself too thin and lose control. I was juggling far too many things, and I couldn’t keep track of all the balls I had in the air.  I always had a feeling of impending doom- something was going to fall apart.  In my journey to black belt, I have become better at saying “no” to committees and additional responsibilities. What initially felt like a weakness, admitting I could not do everything, has instead become a strength. My colleagues know that I am credible, and that they can count on me to do what I say I will. It isn’t just a matter of doing what is expected, but a matter of doing what is right for me and my family

Last winter, I carefully considered the balls I had in the air, including work, family, taekwondo, and taking care of our house, and I added yoga teacher training to the mix.  I did a 200 hour training in a module format. It was wonderful, and taught me many things about balance, (both literal and figurative) and integrity. I initially thought it would be good for taekwondo- we keep urging students to become more flexible, without telling them how. It was.

It was also very good for me spiritually and mentally. In adding the modality of yoga, I became a better person, which, presumably, will make me a better martial artist. The overlapping circles of who I am inside, who people see, and the promises I make to others are lining up, like the loops of a belt.

Join me next week for a stroll through perseverance and self control. I welcome your comments about the intersection of mind, body and community, and what integrity means to you. Fun fact: in Spanish, whole wheat bread is called pan integral. Yup- integrity bread.